My BIGGEST struggle right now.....
BELIEVING IN MYSELF and allowing myself to believe that I deserve the very best in life.
I have been focusing so much on my struggle with weight loss, and belief in myself to accomplish those goals, but I haven't really spoken much of my childhood and how the struggles I faced back then have really shaped my belief system and lack of self-confidence.
It all stems from my childhood experiences and struggles growing up. Now don't get me wrong, I am NOT blaming anyone or anything for my struggles, I am just saying it is my experiences that have shaped my mindset and insecurities.
Soooo FAIR WARNING---> ---> Read further ONLY if you care about learning more about me and a few of my childhood experiences. I don't expect this to interest everyone, but if I can help just one person by feeling like they can relate to me, then it will make it all worth it. So it begins:
I was born with gastroschisis.
A birth defect that hasn't caused many physical problems, but I do have a large scar in the center of my stomach that has kept me VERY self-conscious about ever showing my stomach. I was always SO embarrassed!
My parents divorced when I was 3.
My mom remarried and my step dad was an abusive alcoholic and I was made to feel like I didn't matter and that I was worthless. I grew up believing subconsciously that I was not pretty, not skinny enough, and not smart enough. My mom tried to get me to get straight A's in school, but I just didn't have the belief or drive to KNOW that I was worth that.
I always compared myself to others that were skinnier and prettier and always felt that I could NEVER ever measure up.
My mom tried to leave my abusive step dad. We suffered years and years of threats, visits from the police and restraining orders. As a young child I didn't understand the complexity of her trials, and I held it against her when he would come back. I hated him, I was always mad at her, I wondered what I did to deserve this and I always wondered WHY.... Why me?
Most of the abuse was verbal. It made me feel as if I was inadequate and never good enough. I loved my mom unconditionally, but I didn't really have a close-knit relationship with my mom. She never really opened up much to me. She always kept everything bottled up inside and seemed so sad and angry (and for good reason). I was so mad at her for leaving my dad.
The only constant trusting relationship I thrived for growing up was with my Grandma Haroldsen. I LOVED going to visit her because at some time I recognized that there was something different at her house. Something that my life lacked. I realized later that it was the Holy Spirit and the spirit of love and acceptance. I never felt judged by her.
I had a best friend growing up that was SO SWEET and I loved her like a sister, but she was easily influenced by other people, and we had another "friend" that would tell lies about me to her. Aaaaand of course, she seemed to believe the lies. So she would get mad at me so often. And instead of coming to me to talk about it, she wouldn't talk to me. Sometimes for days. And I had NO idea what I had done wrong or when she would "forgive" me. It made me feel horrible. Like I was a bad friend and never good enough. Although I was the kind of person that would never intentionally do anything to hurt someone else.
This led to a longing for a trusting consistent relationship. I was nerdy and shy and had never experienced what it was like to have a boy "like" me.
So in 8th grade when we moved and I had to attend a new school, I didn't know what to expect. I got contacts and learned a little more about makeup and fashion, and on the first day at my new school, I was taken off guard when I found out about two different guys that had a "crush" on me. SOOOO out of my comfort zone. And of course, I was flattered. I had my first kiss that year, and my first several "breakups" as well.
9th grade I was still trying to figure out true friendship and what it would take to "fit in". In trying to fit in, I tried alcohol for the first time at 14 years old and was raped by my friend's older brother (8 years older I might add, and he was the one who bought us alcohol). Too afraid of being judged by my mom, I never told her. I felt I had lost all hope and dignity, and lost even more self-confidence after that. I thought it was my fault and something I had done wrong, so I blamed myself.
I became angry at the world and the brick wall around my heart became even bigger. I was always sad and miserable inside. I felt numb and worthless. I felt like the world would be better off without me and that I was better off dead. I contemplated suicide MANY times. I cried alone in my room for hours upon end and often cried myself to sleep. I wanted to die, but very often felt this TUG in my heart that I was made for GREAT things and that this trial was only but a small moment. So I kept trudging forward.
I longed for a positive male role model in my life, and the only one I seemed to have was my real dad although he was never around. He was my hero, although I hardly even knew him at all.
I later found out that the reason my mom left my dad was because he had cheated on her when I was in the hospital after birth with my birth defect complications, and many times after that. She told me she tried to make it work, but he just wasn't faithful to her and me.
So my male hero growing up turned out to be not so heroic. Again I wondered if it was something I did wrong. Was I not good enough? I just wanted to have someone I could trust. Someone I could rely on and someone who would love me for me.
I became a part of choir and the swim team in high school and finally felt like I belonged. I was surrounded by fun energetic people and they accepted me for who I was. This really brought me out of my loneliness and I was finally a part of something that made me feel good My confidence rose and I survived high school because of these positive influences in my life I learned to let go of the hatred for my step dad, and learned true forgiveness, even when there is no "i'm sorry" involved.
When I met Steven Saurey, I saw such goodness in him. The positive heavily outweighed the negative, and although he had quite the past, I felt I had no right to judge because I wasn't sqeaky clean myself. I longed for that positive male role model and he loved me for me and was honest and faithful and I needed that. I could never thank him enough for being my true HERO!!!!
For a long time after high school, I still yearned to be a part of something greater. Swim team and choir were over, yet I still have my whole life ahead of me. I wanted to be surrounded by people that were encouraging, uplifting, positive, and people that helped me not only become better, but people that loved me for ME! I was not completely whole until I found BEACHBODY.
I finally once again feel completely accepted and loved. Part of a FAMILY group that once you are a part of, you are ALWAYS a part of. Even if you fall away, these people don't ever stop caring for you They always have your best interest at heart and they want you to become the best version of yourself. I am so thankful to have found this peace and happiness again!!!!
Yet, here I am still lacking complete belief in myself and the absolute self-confidence I need to be more outgoing. Sometimes people think I am snobbish or stuck-up because I don't talk as much as I should. I understand this is a mental thing, and I am working through it, but learning from my past experiences is CRUCIAL in helping me get over the limiting beliefs I have attained throughout my life.
PAIN makes you STRONGER. It helps you realize that you WILL survive hard things!
Tears make you Braver. Through them you come to understand that it is okay to be scared and it is okay to cry.
Heartbreak makes you wiser. It teaches you what you want more of and what you need to cut out of your life to make you happy.
APPRECIATE your past. Learn from it, and MOVE ON....
Then set some goals for the future and PROVE to yourself and the world that NOTHING can stop you!!!!! The only thing holding you back is yourself. So just get out of your own way and BE REMARKABLE!!!!
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