Some (not-so) secrets about me... allow me to clarify some things to eliminate assumptions. (Yes, it is long, but the more you know me, the better you can understand me)...
I was baptized a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints at 9 years old.
I grew up a faithful 100% believing member. As in I was FULLY believing everything I was taught, strong testimony, always listened to the prophet, graduated from seminary, attended a church college, literally could not imagine my life without the gospel, never questioned, never doubted.
I was taught that the ULTIMATE goal is to go through the LDS temple and be sealed to your faithful family members for the eternities. This is the main step to eternal happiness.
That was all I ever wanted.
I went through the temple for the first time to take out my own endowments in September of 2004 at 23 years old. My husband and I were sealed in the temple that day. I recieved a new name at the temple that I was never to divulge to anyone except to my husband (he could know my new name, but I couldn't know his) but no big deal. I kept the secrets sacred and my faith was stronger than ever. I covenanted to give all my time, energy, talents, and even if needs be, my LIFE to the church.
We obediently went back to the temple many times to do ordinance work for the dead. There was so much I didn't understand, but again, I didn't ask questions. I just obediently followed and wondered what I was missing and why I didn't enjoy it as much as I was told I was supposed to. Maybe it was just me? I didn't know, but I continued to follow faithfully and do my best to be obedient so I could be worthy to recieve the blessings promised to me. It was okay that it didn't all make sense and that my mortal mind could just not comprehend all of God's ways..... that narrative was sufficient and my faith never wavered. I always held a current temple recommend. I followed the word of wisdom. I gained a testimony of tithing, and was told that the more money and time I gave to the church, the more blessings I would receive. I wore my garments religiously, and never questioned any of it.
I taught my kids what I knew. I wanted them to be faithful and obedient as well. Nothing meant more to me than having them with me in the afterlife.
I taught others' children in primary for over 10 years. I faithfully accepted every calling when I was asked to serve, even when it was challenging or uncomfortable. If someone I knew 'left' the church, I would never talk to them about it. I was told to 'Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith.'
I WAS ALL IN. NO DOUBT about it.
I clarify these things not to boast of my 'righteousness' LOL, but rather to help people understand where I come from.
Then comes 2020.
38 years old and I learned so many new things that I had never been taught. I came across information that was new, alarming, and undeniable. I learned about destructive controlling organizations and groups. As I searched church history in church-approved sources and began putting the history timeline together, I found so many things that I could in no way support or excuse. I realized that some of these beliefs no longer served me. That’s what a belief is. It’s a thought that we choose to continue thinking. I let it go.
Recently, I have people accuse me of lying or being hateful. I have people say that by sharing things that I have learned this year, that they feel personally attacked. I have been blocked and unfriended on fb this year by close friends and family because they don't like to hear about my experiences.
So why do I keep speaking out?
My perspective is unique.
I have been on both sides and know that I can relate to people that feel guilty, scared, confused, or fearful when it comes to finding out things about the history of the Mormon church and things that Joseph Smith and other leaders have taught.
When I receive positive messages like this (see attached photo), it makes it all worth the hate messages I get.
If I can be a safe space for just one person when they feel alone, hurt and betrayed by something that they have believed in for so long, then it is worth it and I will keep sharing my experiences.
If we want connection and positive relationships, we must be willing to be vulnerable.
Reach out for support.
You are not alone.
You are loved.
You are worthy.
You are strong.
You are wise.
You are amazing.
Please know that I will never intentionally attack anyone personally. I understand that we are all just doing the best we can with the information we gather along this journey of life. It's confusing and it is difficult at times, but I have found this amazing freedom and true happiness in being able to use my accumulated wisdom and discernment to govern myself and not rely on an organization to tell me how I should live every detail of my life.
People don't like it. They judge and think I am 'lost'. Recently I was accused of 'operating under a different power entirely'.... as to say the devil has taken control of me. People actually believe this and are afraid to hear alternative perspectives and experiences in fear that they may be overtaken as well.
My point is, I am here if you need to talk. If you have questions about my experience, I am an open book and you are free to ask me. I'm not afraid and I am not ashamed of my story.
I have nothing to hide.
I have been able to connect with more people this year than I ever have in years past. Vulnerability brings this huge sense of freedom and connection. I want that for everyone.
The peace is amazing.
PEACE TO YOU ALL ✌😇 😘
I believe we are all connected. We’re all born with something bigger inside of us. We’re all worthy the moment we’re born and we’ll still be worthy the day that we die. Nothing changes that. I can also believe that my family will still be together forever, not because I follow a set of rules given to me, or because of where I was married, but because of the possibility of a God that loves us enough that he wouldn’t separate people who love each other like we do.
We may share similar beliefs, we may not, and that’s okay. I love you anyway and I love me anyway.
Our marriage and our family is stronger than it has ever been. We have learned better communication skills and that we don’t have to agree with each other to show love. We don't let an organization determine our standards. I truly believe that nothing has gone wrong here and that my life was always meant to happen this way. I am exactly who I was always meant to be. I may not know exactly who that is or what that looks like right now, but I’m no longer afraid of it. I’m excited for it.
While what others think of me is none of my business, let me be clear that I did not get tricked by satan, I didn’t blindly follow anyone else, and I did not fall or get lost. I listened to my heart, and I leapt.
I know most of you won’t understand me, but I understand me, and for now, that’s enough. I love you all anyway.
Your journey is not my journey, just as mine is not yours. However, I wish each of you only the best as you create your own path in this life.
Thanks for being exactly who you are and allowing me to do the same. ❤️
